Introduction

My way of working is direct, matter-of-fact, and at times provocative. This is necessary when working with relationships that have settled into rigid patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaviour. I enjoy the complexity of this work because, for most people, relationships are the single most challenging area of life. When couples attend regularly, participate fully, and actually do the work between sessions, most begin experiencing a shift within the first three months. The pace depends on the current state of the relationship and what else needs to be addressed. My goal is straightforward: to disrupt and prevent the patterns that keep you stuck, and to create the conditions for new growth, new experiences, and new ways of relating. To do that, I have to be both compassionate and direct.

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Purpose of Couple Therapy

My role is to understand the pattern of your relationship and identify how you became stuck. From there, the work is to help you become unstuck. I focus on the relationship itself, especially the pattern of things said, done, and experienced between you, both in the past and the present. The entire process is organised around interrupting the pattern that keeps you locked in the same cycle.

Shared Responsibility

I work from the position that both of you contribute to the pattern of interactions through what you do and what you do not do. Couple therapy only works if each of you focuses on your own behaviour rather than trying to change the other person. Each partner must take responsibility for their actions and inactions. I assume you are both right and wrong in different ways, and neither partner is treated as the problem.

Not Taking Sides

My task is to ensure that the experience, perspective, and meaning-making of both partners are heard and understood. I do not take sides, play referee, or act as a mediator in your arguments. At times I may challenge either or both of you, and this does not mean I am blaming or aligning with anyone.

Focus and Direction

Couple therapy is intense by nature. My focus is on disrupting the existing pattern of your relationship and guiding you toward new ways of seeing each other and behaving with each other. This work is uncomfortable and often requires pushing into difficult territory. I decide what we focus on and when, because couple therapy is not led by the preferences of one partner and is not a space for venting emotions or replaying arguments.

Expectations of Engagement

Neither partner has an advantage because they see themselves as more emotionally mature, have tried harder, or have done more personal work in the past. Change happens only when both of you begin making changes at the same time. Attempts by one partner to influence or control how I work with the other will be directly challenged, because there is only one therapist in the room. Therapy works only if you allow me to structure and facilitate the process.

Structure, Tasks, and Behaviour

Couple therapy is not only about emotions and feelings; it is also about interaction and the practical steps you take inside and outside the sessions. I will ask you to engage in tasks, exercises, and activities that may be outside your comfort zone. Avoiding these tasks or attempting to dictate the process will prevent progress. Some issues will be addressed only later, when the relationship is strong enough for the work. I may interrupt either or both of you, set aside certain topics, or redirect the focus. You will need to adjust to this structure.

Accountability

I will challenge you individually and together if you avoid assignments or ignore the agreed ground rules. My priority is not the feelings of the individual but the pattern between you. I do not prioritise specific values and consider all needs as equal within the relational system.

The Nature of Change

Relationships change only when their patterns are interrupted and the behaviours that maintain them are disrupted. Sometimes things may feel worse before they improve. This is a common and expected part of the process.