I continue to be surprised by how often couples tell me that a previous therapist told them there was “no hope,” that they “shouldn’t be together,” or that the relationship is essentially over. I have a fundamental problem with this. It is not the role of a therapist — in couple work or individual work — to decide whether two people should stay together or separate.

My job is not to save relationships, and it is not to end them. I am not invested in the outcome. I do not hold the hope of the relationship on behalf of the couple, and I do not position myself as the one who determines whether staying together or separating is the “right” path. My focus is on changing how partners relate: creating healthier, more constructive patterns of interaction. That is the actual work.

This does not mean being neutral when behaviour is harmful. I am explicit about dynamics that are destructive, and I challenge abusive or corrosive patterns when they show up. But that is very different from making statements about whether the relationship should continue. Identifying what is damaging is a clinical responsibility; deciding the fate of the relationship is not.

And the process only works when both partners are invested. Couple therapy is not a mechanism for forcing a relationship to survive. It is a structured space for partners to understand, reorganise, and shift how they relate. If both engage, the relationship may change in ways that make staying together possible. If they do not, separation may emerge as the natural conclusion. But that direction comes from them — not from me.